The Truth About Parenting Styles: “We Were on Different Pages”

Every family has its differences, but for parent carers, those differences can feel seismic.

Carrie and David admit that in the early years, their approaches to parenting were worlds apart. Carrie adapted quickly, abandoning traditional parenting norms when they clearly didn’t work for their children. David, meanwhile, clung tightly to the parenting model he’d grown up with.

“I strapped myself to the mast and went down singing Nearer, My God, to Thee as the ship capsized beneath the waves,” David jokes but the truth beneath the humour is real.

For two years, they argued daily. Not because they didn’t care, but because they cared so much and didn’t yet know how to meet their children where they were.

This is a familiar story for many families. Parenting neurodivergent children often requires rethinking expectations, letting go of old models, and learning new emotional skills on the fly.

Letting Go of the “Audience”

One of David’s biggest realisations was how much he had been parenting for the outside world.

He admits he had unconsciously tied his self‑esteem to how his children appeared to others — a pressure many parent carers know all too well.

Carrie, however, had already abandoned the idea of “presentable parenting.” She’d stopped performing for the imaginary audience and started parenting the children actually in front of her.

It’s a shift that can feel uncomfortable, even frightening, but it’s often the turning point for families.

Parenting Four Children, Four Different Ways

One of the most striking insights from the episode is the reminder that siblings raised in the same home do not experience the same childhood.

David describes realising he was still parenting their eldest as if they were 12, even though they were 16.

“I wasn’t speaking to them as the person they were. I was speaking to them as the person they used to be.”

Now, he checks in constantly:

• How are you feeling?
• What’s on your mind?
• What do you need from me?

It’s a masterclass in responsive parenting and a reminder that neurodivergent children aren’t just differently aged versions of the same child. They are entirely different people with entirely different needs.

The Dads’ Group: A Space to Be Understood

David also runs a dads’ group for fathers of neurodivergent children — a space where men can talk without explaining, and feel understood without justification.

He describes how it takes about an hour before the conversation shifts from cars and football to feelings.

“Everybody needs a place where they can describe without having to explain.”

For many fathers, the challenge isn’t a lack of empathy — it’s that the skills they were taught to value as “masculine” don’t match the emotional landscape of raising neurodivergent children. The dads’ group gives them room to develop those skills without judgement.

Explore more about support networks for parent carers.

The Sibling Experience: “The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Oil”

The episode also explores the impact on siblings — especially the eldest, who often appears to have “fewer needs.”

But appearing fine and being fine are not the same.

“They may simply be concealing it because they’re afraid you’re not doing fine as a parent,” David explains.

Later in the episode, Dr Nikita Hayden from the University of Sheffield joins to share research on siblings of disabled and neurodivergent children. Her findings are reassuring:

• Most siblings do well long‑term.
• Challenges often relate more to poverty and social factors than disability itself.
• The most powerful support parents can offer is listening before fixing.

Learn more about supporting siblings.

Strategies That Actually Work

When Sam asks David for his top practical strategy, he offers a gem:

Strike while the iron is cold.

Trying to reason with a child mid‑meltdown is like “trying to play chess with a sheep,” he says. Wait until the storm has passed. Then talk.

Carrie expands on this with a framework rooted in toleration, demand, and anxiety:

• Lower anxiety → toleration rises
• Higher toleration → demands can be introduced
• Preparation is everything

For example, if one child struggles with loud eating, they choose the restaurant and seating plan for a family meal. Anxiety drops, toleration rises, and the whole family can participate.

This is demand‑avoidance‑informed parenting in action.

When Love Has to Protect One Child From Another

One of the most emotionally raw moments comes when David speaks about extreme behaviours.

“What happens when you have to protect one person you love from another person you love?”

There is no easy answer. But pattern‑spotting helps:

• When does escalation begin?
• What are the early signs?
• When do you clear the room?
• Who stays with which child?

For single parents, this is even harder — and the Grants acknowledge that openly.

Living With Parental “Failure”

Carrie speaks candidly about the moments that don’t go well.

“You learn to walk with it. You learn to walk with the limp.”

There is no perfect parent. There is only the parent who tries again tomorrow.

Staying United as a Couple — Even When Life Is Hard

Carrie and David have been together for 40 years, and their unity is the backbone of their family. But unity doesn’t mean constant happiness.

It means:

• talking often
• updating each other
• sharing information
• correcting each other without shame
• keeping the “us” at the centre

David calls it emotional photosynthesis:

“Flowers grow in the dark — and so does dysfunction. Hostility grows in the dark. Misunderstanding grows in the dark.”

Communication is the light.

Explore strengthening relationships under stress.

The Research Perspective: What Siblings Need Most

Dr Nikita Hayden closes the episode with evidence‑based insights:

• Sibling experiences are diverse — not universally negative.
• Many siblings thrive.
• Parents often worry more than they need to.
• Listening is more powerful than explaining.
• Solutions should be co‑created, not imposed.

Her message is hopeful: families are often doing better than they think.

Listen to the Episode

You can listen to The Calm in the Complicated here.

New episodes are released fortnightly, each exploring a different aspect of life with a child who has a brain condition.

Share Your Story

If you’d like to send a message for a future episode, email [email protected].

Your story could help another family feel seen, supported, and understood.

You’re Doing Better Than You Think

Parenting neurodivergent children isn’t about perfection. It’s about responsiveness, flexibility, and love that adapts.

Every meltdown you weather, every conversation you revisit, every moment you choose connection over control — it all matters.

You’re not just surviving the complicated. You’re creating calm within it.